February 7, 2003

Paulo,

I remember when you first IM'ed me, I was a little bit nervous and even afraid of responding. But in a matter of time we began to chat regularly. And then we talked on the phone. I learned alot from that first conversation about you. We got along really well and it was refreshing to talk to someone that actually could express themselves so clearly. We kept on talking for weeks on and off. You wanted to me to visit you and I said I would. But as the day neared I avoided your phone calls. I'm embarrassed to admit that I did that.

I thought you'd forgotten about me, I'd already filed you to my memory. Although I hardly had anyhthing to remember. I remember when I saw your picture I thought you were gorgeous. Two beautiful eyes stared right back at me. I felt intimidated by you. I can't believe that I am telling you this. It's true I felt intimidated by you and it prevented me from visiting you.

When you IMed me many months later, I was surprised, then I was shocked and then I felt a little embarrassed. You asked why I hadn't gone and I said because I got scared. I think you may have thought that I was scared of what you would be like. But the truth is that I was scared. I am more afraid of that than anything else. You see Paulo, I have learned to not let a person into my vulnerable place. i don't trust with my heart and I don't ever stop doubting myself. I know you hate insecurity and I am working on fixing that. I may come off to you as if I am very aware of what I am worth but I am not. So I put up a front of being so "up here" but in reality, I am so afraid.

Every tantrum I throw is calculated to infinite detail, I analyze and dissect every word carefully. I tell you my thoughts and my feelings, But I have never told you the reasons or my deep worries. So now it's a few months away before you come back home and I am going to be there when you get here. I am scared again, I am nervous again. But now I know that regardless of whether or not you accept or reject me I am so much more of a person than I was months ago. But it's a risk that I would like to take. Because the difference between me then and me now, is that this time I *know* that I have nothing to lose and only everything to gain. I will see you soon.

Melissa