February 10, 2003

Matthew

Lissa called me the other day. She said that when she was introducing Drew to you that she couldn't think of anything to call you except to call you my ex. And we both got a laugh out of it since its been such a long time since you were my boyfriend. But I guess you will always be my ex-boyfriend. No matter how much time goes by.

I still hate you, even after all of this time. I'm not sure why; I thought that when I got over you I'd get over everything- but the way you treated me still haunts me in the back of my mind and every time I am about to start a new relationship all of those feelings of pain, anger, and loneliness come floating back to memory. I don't think I ever hated anyone until you. There were people that I didn't like too well, but I was able to tolerate anyone. I guess that is why I was able to stay in our relationship for so long. Perhaps I hate you so much because I loved you so much and you took it all for granted. I feel as if you have scarred me for life. But I don't want you to have that kind of power over me. I don't want your face to come up between me and every new guy that I meet. I want this all to be over. I want to forget you and leave you in the past completely.

I just met this great guy the other day Matt. I haven't dated for months now. I can never seem to bring myself to commit to anyone anymore and get scared after the third date and never call them again. But this time I want to be able to give myself wholly to him like I gave myself to you. I don't want to be scared to do that. Things are going really well with him, and I'm very excited for it. Do you know what surprised me about him? Is that he doesn't care if I look nice even when he doesn't get to see me for much time on that day. Things like that shouldn't be surprising but they are. He doesn't care that I work in a office with five men. And he doesn't get jealous when I hang out with my little brother. It's sad that all of these things bothered you. But that is your problem. What is really sad is that I let them still bother me.

Did you know that I was ashamed to hug my brother in front of you after that day you complained? My little brother. It wasn't fair that because of you I cheated him out of my love. It wasn't fair to him to be dragged into that at all. And because of you I stopped talking to my older brother; one of my closest friends. Just because you didn't like the way he joked with you.

I think everyone would be surprised to find out who you really are. I know that I was. On the outside you are the Homecoming King every year, the ASB president and the top varsity player of all the sports you entered. Everyone admired you for your confidence; but you don't have any. And you took mine away. You are so empty and lonely on the inside. You get upset with anything that you can't control. But I put up with every bit of it. Because I loved you. I thought that if I could be the best girlfriend ever to you that you would finally start treating me well. But there is no way anyone can be the girlfriend you want them to be. You were so afraid that I would cheat on you that I lost all of my good guy friends, when ironically it turned out; you were the one cheating on me.

I remember the first time you called me "bitch" and how upset I got. You apologized over and over and said you would never do it again. But then it became a daily occurrence. And all of my empty threats to break up with you were just that; empty. I lived with you cussing me out because you had brought my self-esteem so low that I couldn't picture myself surviving without you. Oddly, it was my self esteem that first attracted you to me. Is it a game for you to rip it away from someone? Did you think that if you took mine that you would gain some?

I hoped that after I broke up with you all of the hurt would go away. I would stop crying at night and stop living in constant fear of making you angry. I don't think there was a day in the last eight months of our relationship that we didn't have at least one argument. But none of it went away when I told you it was over; because you wouldn't leave me alone.

I honestly don't know what would have happened that night you had me pinned against the door of my apartment if my brother-in-law hadn't pulled up right then. All I remember is that I was kicking you as hard as I could and it wasn't phasing you a bit. After that I started seeing your car following me around town; and you showing up at my work. I lived in constant fear of you. The night I found you waiting outside the store next to my car I lost it and called your dad. He was always close to me. I threatened that I'd get a restraining order on you unless he kept you away from me. I hated to do that to him. I know that it upset him. But I was seriously scared of what you might do to me.

After that whole "stalking phase" I heard that your parents forced you to get anger management counseling. I'm glad. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And since I wasn't able to make you that; maybe a counselor could. But my life was still in shambles. Do you know that I broke up with a guy, the sweetest guy I have ever met, because I couldn't handle him being nice to me all of the time? I think I got used to the fighting and making up. I didn't know how to have a relationship without that.

You made me into such an awful person. I was always so angry and bitter with you. When I think of you I still wish that I could slap your face. Just keep slapping until all of this anger has finally released itself. But I know that's not the answer. I know that you probably never even think of me anymore. Which isn't fair since you still rise in my relationships. I don't want to get my heart broken again like you did to me. I don't think I could take that another time. But its been about a year and a half now since all of this. I've moved across the country, I have a new job and a new phone number and I know that you will never find me. I am slowly piecing my life back together. And I am slowly restoring my belief in relationships.

You made me into such an awful person. I was always so angry and bitter with you. When I think of you I still wish that I could slap your face. Just keep slapping until all of this anger has finally released itself. But I know that's not the answer. I know that you probably never even think of me anymore. Which isn't fair since you still rise in my relationships. I don't want to get my heart broken again like you did to me. I don't think I could take that another time. But its been about a year and a half now since all of this. I've moved across the country, I have a new job and a new phone number and I know that you will never find me. I am slowly piecing my life back together. And I am slowly restoring my belief in relationships.

I'm ready to leave my anger and hate behind, Matt. You'll just become another faceless memory of a boy I once dated. I wish you the best in your life and your future. And maybe one day you'll meet a girl who you will treat like a queen. For your sake I hope you do. I hope you do find love and happiness and get all of the things you ever dreamed of. Because I did love you; you were my first and always will hold that spot. But those are my last wishes for you. I'm not going to let you come into my thoughts anymore. And I'm not going to live in fear of relationships anymore.

I'm finally leaving you behind,

Once Your Baby Girl