February 12, 2003

To that part of myself-

Forgive me in advance. I am preparing to drag you through the mud, and I feel it is only fair that I warn you. You see, heart, there is this boy..and yes, I do know that is how most of your issues with me thus far have started. He just got out of a relationship with a woman he loved. A woman he'd been with for two years. And though the both of us know that this is a very dangerous situation, we continue to maintain our friendship.

We claim that, at least. That we're only friends. But it doesn't feel that way when he's hugging me. And it definitely doesn't feel that way when he's making love to me. And I'm a friend, right? So I shouldn't feel that knife when he talks about his ex; when he talks about how much that particular wound still stings. There is something about him that I can't get away from...something in his voice that plays over and over again in my head while I'm trying to sleep. And you were there that time he didn't call for a whole day. This is not good. I want to be mad at him, heart... because he knows how I feel, and he knows that this isn't going to end up good. But he gets close and he whispers things in my ear.

He tells me that he's going to be careful with me, and that we're both very intelligent people. That we communicate well. We should be able to maintain a healthy relationship. Right? Wrong. So very, very wrong. Oh, heart..I'm sorry. This isn't going to feel good. But I can't seem to get away from it. You see, I'm so attracted to his mind.. and who he is as a person.. that I try to shut my ears off when we reiterate that we're 'just friends'. I'm sure it'll work out in the end though, because you know that it is, in fact, the scars that make a heart beautiful. I'm sorry in advance.

Rachel