February 13, 2003

Noah,

I’m writing this not to send to you but because I don’t feel like I have anyone else to talk to. Lauren and Andrea are so tired of me talking about you and the situation, if there is actually a situation anymore I suppose it depends on how you look at it, I don’t even think they listen to me anymore. Maybe I’m just beating a dead horse and none of this really matters anymore. Maybe I’m lonely and that’s why I keep writing, whatever it is I wish it would just go away. I wish I could just get over you and move on and be okay with where I am and where you are and what we were and how we ended. But that doesn’t seem to be happening now or any time soon.

It’s been nearly four months since we officially broke up; it’s been two since we’ve slept together. But this isn’t about the sex, god knows I miss it but that’s not what it’s about even though I’m sure you think it is. I miss you as a person. Not just the person who loved me and held and made me feel better about myself, but also as a person to just talk to and hang out with. I miss a lot of things. I miss the random gifts, and the big hugs you used to give me ‘cause you never wanted to let go. The soft kisses, and amazing sex. I miss the two o’clock conversations and lying under the stars. I miss not having to talk; we were comfortable just to lay their in silence. I miss that level of comfort more than anything. I miss going to movies and having someone’s hand to hold and having someone who would listen to me babble on endlessly about whatever stupid thing I was excited about that day. I miss having someone excited to see me, I miss having someone love me, and I miss having someone to love. I miss criticizing your music, and rolling my eyes at your corny jokes. I miss listening to you play the piano, I miss having someone know me insides in out. I could close up and not say a word and you would know what was wrong, I could lie and say something completely different and you would see right through it. I miss having someone know everything and understand, I miss touching your nose and kissing your back, I miss how we could never really fight, although we never failed to try. We didn’t even fight when you found out I cheated on you, or the second time. We didn’t even fight when we broke up, we just cried.

Maybe we knew it wasn’t over. Maybe we knew that this was going to be an ongoing process. I think it was probably the fact that we didn’t break up because we didn’t love each other anymore, ‘cause I did love you and I know that you loved me. That could be the problem here; maybe that’s why I can’t move on. I can’t seem to get over the fact that there’s really no reason that we broke up other than the fact that I just wanted freedom. Freedom to go out, to fuck around with whom I please, freedom to be the selfish bitch that I am. And I’m sorry that I used you and I’m sorry that you got pulled into a situation like this one, you never deserved any of this. You never deserved to be hurt like you were. You never really deserved any of this, and I never really deserved you.

I keep saying to myself, well maybe we’ll run into each other next year and this will all be different, maybe then it will be okay, maybe then we can be together. It’s an illusion. I’m not the same person I was when we were together, and I’m sure that you’re not either, college has changed me and I’m sure that it’s changed you. And next year when you’re really in college when you move down here and you’re on you own it’s gonna be completely different. All the lack of self esteem is gonna go straight out the window, ‘cause I know that you’re gonna do well. You’re a good looking guy and you’ve got a loving caring personality, girls are gonna be all over you. And even if we were to run into each other next year I don’t think you’d give me a second glance. You’ll eventually hate me, and by the time the year is up I’m sure that day will have come. You’re gonna want nothing to do with me. And I accept that, I know that’s what I deserve.

I want to ask you to drop off my book while I’m home. But I don’t know if I can. I’m not supposed to be talking to you period. And the last time you were here, when you came because you’re a great guy and you were concerned about me. You said that that was goodbye again that that was it again we weren’t gonna be seeing each other again. Of course it seems with us there’s always one more time. You told me that all my pictures were put away, that all memories of us were put away, you don’t talk about me anymore, you probably try not to think about me anymore. It’s hard to know that you’ve shut me out of your life entirely. I just want to make a request to see you again, but its selfish request, and I’m sure it’s not fair to you. I’ll probably go ahead and request it anyways, ‘cause that’s who I am; I’m selfish. I don’t want to be, but I’m sure I will anyways. I just wish you knew that how truly sorry I am, I know you say you know. I know that you know I’m sorry, I don’t think you understand how sorry. I don’t you understand to what degree I hate myself for all of this. I can’t stand that I let go of something so good. I hate myself. But there’s nothing for me to do about it anymore. It’s over with and you’re done.

I just wanted to let you know I sill love you and I’m sorry.

M