February 14, 2003

Gwen

I once filled out a survey that asked the ridiculous question of whether the surveyed has ever been in love. I answered, “yes, but not anymore.” I lied. It was a stupid question that couldn’t have had any other type of answer.

When you first knocked on my back door, I thought I would surely hate you. You had disturbed my brooding, as you would do many times after that. I went along with you, and found out I would never harbor so much as an ill thought towards you. So things continued in this manner for some time. Those nights we spent watching stupid movies, or arguing about life, all those wonderful nights in the warm summer air have been burned into my memory forever. I have so many wonderful little images, all centered on you.

What amazes me the most is how young we were then. Not that we’re too much older now. I think that 18 is not much different than five. But back then I thought we were so old, and everything so big. And nothing amazes me more now, than the fact that I could have been that old and still acted so childish.

It wasn’t that little note you gave me. It’s not the time you shared with me, all those nights for 2 years. What you gave me was far more precious than your time. In all the years I’ve known you, you have been the most loyal friend I never thought possible to have. You gave me the world, Gwen. You gave me your world, and everything in it. You freely gave me every shred of love and caring, all the honesty, your body and your soul carried.

And I threw it away. I left. I gave you up for some stupid dream I carried since before you ever came into my life. I traded all of the love you gave me, time and time again, because I thought there was something and someone better for me than you. That night I came home to find you asleep on the swing, it all started to hit me. Though I can’t tell you now, or ever, that’s when I realized I meant it. That day, when I left for what I thought was home, I told you I loved you. Carrying boxes to my car, watching you in my favorite hat, I had no idea why I was ever going away again. Why would I ever leave someone so beautiful, who surely loved me more than anyone ever will again? And I told you I loved you. I drove 1,400 miles that day and the next. Every mile I ticked off, I heard myself say, “I love you”, and realized that for the first and last time I’ll ever say those words, I meant them.

Critics will say that at 18, one can’t possibly know what love is. I know, damn the critics, that I will never love anyone as I love you now. You’ve been the only bright spot in my life, since I met you that day, 3 years ago. I also know now, that I lost you. No, I gave you away. I put aside the best thing in my life, because I thought there were better things in the world for me. I treated the treasure that you are like trash. And though I’ll regret nothing more than losing you, I know that I chose it. I hope that when you’re with him, you will be truly happy. He treats you better than I ever did, on my best day. I just want you to know, that the tables have turned. Though I can never have you back, I want it more than anything in this world. And one more thing, I lied: you were the only one.

May you find love better than mine,
Jim