February 19, 2003

The ones that meant something,

I never thought it was possible to miss a time period so much. Last year, I thought I had it so bad, I thought I was misunderstood... that no one knew what I was thinking or feeling. I got to the point that I would drink and fool around with my boyfriend because I didn't think anything else would help. God, was I wrong. I look back on it now and I think "wow, I really liked that guy" " damn, that girl was so cool." I secluded myself to my small group of friends, and now they have all moved or broken away.

The new school is great, don't get me wrong. I love it, most of the time... but that little bit that I don't I miss YOU ALL so much it hurts. The boy that got away, it was fun chasing you. The girl that always thought she had to be tough, your beautiful... I envy you. The girl that I used to know so well, I am sorry we grew apart. The boy that always made me laugh, thank you.. I miss you. Everyone at my lunch table, I miss the routine stupid conversations and silly notes. The boy that got me through the year, I hope your happy now, I miss you the most. To the boy that broke my heart, thank you, you taught me so much. So many people that I could add to this list.

I have had a total change of mind-set this year, I have become quieter, more subdued. I have become so self conscious its getting ridiculous, I am sketchy about everyone that I know, I cant seen to completely trust anyone anymore. I've lost the confidence that I used to pride myself on, I've lost my ability to go up to anyone and start a conversation, or do something just for the sake of being weird. I feel like I have misplaced my identity and I don't have the heart to search for it anymore.

When I was with you guys, I knew my place. I knew my friends, I knew how everyone was.. and usually what they were thinking or doing. I knew who would be where, what I would be doing that weekend and what was going on. Now, I don't, I am like this little lost girl in a big room full of strangers, never knowing where to turn or who to turn to. I grow close to someone and then they do something that makes me reconsider my views.

I guess I am just hoping I will find my place soon, and will stop feeling so lost without all of you, and maybe hoping you didn't forget me already...because I know I didn't forget you.

Missing the past,
Rachael