February 2, 2003

To Luis,

I hope that what little time we spent together was enough for you to feel that you have gotten whatever you felt for me out of your system. You have a knack for making me feel really bad sometimes. Although you have been there for me this week, you know that I still wanted and needed more from you but, as always, I keep getting the nothing end of “all or nothing”. FYI, it hurts. I have come to realize that you and I are an impossibility. As much as I wanted to give “us” a try, you always seem to find a way to make it so complicated. No matter what I do, what I ask of you… something to do, someplace to go, something to eat…in some way, shape or form, you always find a way to reject me. I know I deserve better than that and I know that any other guy would be flattered to go out to dinner with me or do anything that you never want to do with me. For as much as you told me that night in April, you have just taken it all away from me. I thought that we could just be friends after this and the fact that you still called me made it seem that way, but the way I am feeling right now tells me that I can’t be just your friend. Unfortunately for me, I got too attached and I need to let go, so I ask that you let me do that.

Tonight I really wanted to talk to you, in person, someplace where we could sit down and talk without any time constraints or any interruptions but it seems that it’s not in the cards right now, among a few other things when it comes to you and I. You leave me no other choice so don’t be mad at me for writing. Perhaps these words will come out better on paper anyway.

I am starting a new job in a few weeks and it’s like a new chapter is beginning in my life. I have plans for my future, career-wise and personal that, if all goes well, should be taking off soon. I had really hoped that our bumping into each other, you following me for 3 blocks, was a sign of something good coming into my life, something that was there all along, like some undiscovered treasure right in front of me but I did not see it before. I’ll tell you that it was beautiful to hear your voice on the other end of the line once, sometimes twice a day, to hear my phone ringing, letting me know that you were thinking of me at the same moment I was thinking of you. It was beautiful to be in your arms in a way I never really imagined it to be…experiencing you, adoring me. It was beautiful to hear those words from you that I had no idea existed in your world. I don’t know how else to express what I feel because, at times, even I don’t know what that is…and you never gave it a chance. I know we could have been good together, but right now it doesn’t even matter. It is obvious, for reasons known only to you, that it is not me that you want to be with. Maybe you got what you wanted already. I know it made you mad the last time I mentioned that but seeing as that is the only thing you ever really want to do with me, that is the only thing I can think of.

I had a dream with you a few weeks ago. It was short and to the point. You called me up to excuse yourself for the way you had been acting with me and told me that you just had to get your head together because you were “expecting a little boy”. Word for word, that was basically it. There is nothing keeping me from you, nothing but you; as I said, only you know why. Hopefully there is no thread of reality to my dream, unless that is what you are wanting in your life right now. But I cannot read your mind, nor can I continue to try to do so. When you picked me up on Monday and were bringing me back, I looked at you, you looked at me…I don’t know what it was but there was something there. There always seems to be. I know what it is from my end, but I am never sure what it means from your side. I hate to walk around with “what if?” in my head especially when I am trying so hard to get the question answered…but again, you just won’t give us a chance.

You asked me why, after Freddy, I didn’t contact you. In all honesty, I didn’t think you ever wanted me to. That day you came to my house and nothing happened, when you left you were bothered by the fact that nothing happened and after that I always thought you were mad at me for that. When we stopped seeing each other I thought that you were mad at me for that day and for breaking things off. I always thought that you kind of hated me in some sense because of it. When I saw you on different occasions after that I always felt kind of resented by you. I never imagined that you felt the way you said you did; I really didn’t. I had no idea. It seems to me that what you felt is in the past because I cannot imagine feeling what you said you felt for someone and then having a second chance and just pushing it away like it means nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I really do appreciate you coming through for me this week, coming to get me and taking me home…I thank you, again. But, then you leave and it’s over. It hurts to see

My goal here is not to have you call me or try to fix things or make anything up. I just wanted you to know how I feel because you have really hurt me and I don’t know how else to let you know. You know that I’d walk “a thousand miles” to see you and be with you, that I miss you when you are not with me. You know that I would not waste your time and try to make the most of what little time I do spend with you, whether it is dinner – which you always reject – or a glass of water. Then you leave. I don’t need reparation; I just need clarity and honesty. I need you to know how I feel because it hurts more to hold it in. You must see something when you look in my eyes, you probably just don’t know what to make of it. Well, it’s called hurt. Yes, I know you said you didn’t want that to happen but, guess what? Done.

You probably should have let me drive away without seeing you that day. You probably should not have asked me out if you knew that you could not give me what I would want, eventually. Knowing me so well, you should have known that I could not just sleep with you and not feel something, eventually. Why didn’t you just let me drive away? You can’t give me what I want or need so it’s best for us not to contact each other anymore. That was my intention when I told you I couldn’t do this anymore, not to call you anymore.

As you know, I didn’t. But you still called. I wondered why? I still do. Why not just let me go? Why kiss me when you left the other day? Why not just go and call it a day? I don’t understand you. Maybe one day when you decide what you want and who you want, you will let me know. Until then, I will “cut my losses”, as you say, and start this new chapter in my life with no regrets. I don’t regret being with you, I don’t regret kissing you, I don’t regret making love with you…I will just regret that which is out of my hands. I wish you happiness and no, I don’t hate you. I am sure you have enough examples of my affections to let you know how I really felt about you…you know I was crazy for you. Just put yourself in my place and try to understand.

I can’t take you with me, against your will, so I have to let you go.

Tita