February 3, 2003

Dustin,

Why do I always want to help those who refuse to help themselves? I have known you from such a young age... we practically grew up together. And to see you in the predicament you’ve created for yourself is not an easy thing for me. I want you to understand it’s not just you you’re hurting. You’re hurting your mother... you’re hurting your grandmother, your brother, you’re hurting me... and worst of all, you’re hurting Lilli, and you don’t even realize it. You tell me all the time how much you love her, and how you’d do anything for her... well wake up Dustin! She won’t be four years old forever, and if you think you can pass off your alcoholism when she starts to put two and two together, you’re sadly mistaken.

When I am laying beside you, talking about random things and trying to make sense of how such a wonderful person can lead such a crooked life, my heart breaks. You are such a loveable guy... you have the biggest heart and the best intentions, yet you set yourself up for failure time and time again. You have so much going for you... a mother who loves you, and has given you a million chances to start over and try again. I know other people may see the things you do as “taking advantage” of her... but I know your intentions aren’t ever to pick up that bottle again. But you fail yourself, you cheat yourself, and you essentially give up on yourself every time you screw up, Dustin. You can be so much more. You can have so much more.

Last night when I left your house and you asked if I was going to call you today, you have no idea how hard it was to shake my head and say no. My heart was telling me to say yes, that I’d call and we’d play the game yet again... but for some reason my brain finally took over and told you I couldn’t do it anymore. I want you to be better. I want to see the sober Dustin all of the time.

I understand that you’ve got issues deeper than I could ever comprehend. I understand that your father doesn’t care about you and that he has basically abandoned you since the moment you entered this world. I understand your anger towards him and everything he has put you through. But you can no longer use that as your excuse baby! You have to wake up and start living for the people who love you and DO care about you... and most importantly, you have to start living for yourself.

I told you to call me when you got your shit together, and I meant that. I will be here for you as long as I know you are trying and that you’re willing to put forth an effort. But refuse to watch you fade away due to an addiction that I have seen you overpower before and know you can again. I care about you Dustin. I care about what happens and if you would just listen and try to understand... I think you’d care a little more, too. I hope to hear from you soon, and until then, I’ll be thinking about you and praying that you’re headed in the right direction... and I hope you know you can call me if

Dee