February 25, 2003

Mike,

It's been a long 5 months and I just want it over with. Yes. I want it over with. Completely over with. I dont want to wake up thinking about you, go to bed thinking about you or go through the day thinking about you. I don't want to wish anymore and kill myself with the endless what if's and I don't want to know what you even think anymore. I don't want to hear or know your reasons but to say "I don't want to know you" is a little extreme.

It’s been complete hell. Trying to get over you is and has been the hardest thing I’ve had to do, pathetic as it seems. Over and over I've asked myself why are you doing this? You'd think after crying as much as I did, I'd just get on with it, move on with my life and not wish for someone who made me so miserable. Yes, I may have ruined things by crying and fighting with you but if it weren’t for the fact you seemed to forget me over night things wouldn’t have been like that. All the promises broken.

Disappointed isn’t the word. It doesn’t come close to explain the feeling I get when I think of you. Never did I think the one person who I loved so much would hurt me so much. I've spent countless nights wasting them just wondering what I did wrong and why you were doing this. But I don’t want to anymore. I've done all I could. I tried to make you see we had something worthwhile. But right now that’s something you just don’t want to see, and maybe one day you'll regret that. I made myself completely vulnerable to you. Gave you every last inch. It makes me almost sick to think how I acted. Running as soon as you called. Thinking things might actually change. Yes I was happy for the night you acknowledged my existence, until the next morning when it was right back to your friends and it just began all over again.

I told you I would try to understand... and I did as hard as I can, and I'm sorry if you didn’t think that was enough. But I will never understand how you could just throw what we had away. I guess I have to accept it and move on with my life. You obviously wasted no time. How you could sit and look me in the eye and just lie to me, only to make me feel like a complete ASSHOLE when I found out is something I'll never forget. Sometimes it’s all I can think of when I look at you. As hard as I try I can’t push that thought away. Maybe it’s because I have to see her everyday. It almost makes me see you as a different person through in all the times you made me cry and feel worse than shit and it does. So your feelings have changed. I understand that. Ever think you might have told me that when they first did, don’t you think it would have made this a hell of a lot easier? You wouldn’t have to deal with me crying and I wouldn’t be holding on to the little bit of hope I had left.

And yes, you’ll take my phone calls and answer me online... almost as if you have to. And you’ll talk to me, but its nothing of substance. It’s as if you never knew me, and as much as it hurts to say, I don’t think it puts much of a dent in your life anymore.

So why am I writing this letter? To just get it out. To say I’m done. I’m done hoping you'll come back to me. I’m tired of trying to show you how much I love you. It’s something you just can’t be bothered with. One day I'll figure out why this all happened. There’s a reason behind everything. But you don’t know the affect you've had on me. You broke my heart. More than once. And I wish I just knew why. I can’t keep hoping you'll come back to me, because you're not.... and you're not even the person I used to know. You know, we always said we'd talk and be in each others life, and I wish we could be friends, and I don’t know what’s in the way of that.

It’s your call now, you know how I feel. Sad part is, if you called me today you know I'd be there for you in a second. That’s my problem though... but it doesn’t look like you'll be calling anytime soon.

I wish you would just open your eyes Mike and see what's in front of you.

Until you realize.. I still love you,
Erin