February 28, 2003

Wayne,

I never saw you coming. I never would have expected to feel so strongly for you. At first it was new and we were exploring what we had discovered and I had all my walls up so that you could only get in so far. Then, somewhere between then and now, the walls disappeared and I let myself once again feel. I couldn’t get enough of you. I couldn’t taste your lips hard enough, I couldn’t be alone with you long enough. You felt the same as I did, you told me so. You never expected to feel like you do with me and I sure as hell didn’t fit the profile you had in mind and neither did you, but it was there. So we escaped. We took evenings off early and went to what became our place. Talking and laughing and just absorbing each others company. I was ready to do whatever you wanted me to do, I wanted to be whatever it was you wanted me to be. Then, one day, you changed. You drew back and didn’t want to feel anything with me anymore. I waited for you, I waited for you to decide what it was you were debating. I waited months for you...nothing. Finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer. I couldn’t stand acting like nothing ever happened between us and that I didn’t feel anything for you. I waited too long for you. I waited too long for someone the least likely to come along and fit so perfectly.

I was tired of hearing about you and your girlfriend and I made sure to mention whom the latest it was sharing my bed. I was tired of the looks and the whispers behind our backs at work. It was forbidden, it didn’t make sense and it didn’t change the beating of my heart. Even when I have been with someone else, they just didn’t compare to the way I felt when I am with you. So, I would rather be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong.

So after the company Christmas party, while I was intoxicated, by a few mixed drinks and by your smile, I went to your house. I cooked you dinner and I found myself once again waiting. We started goofing around, and I kissed you and you kissed me back. I led the way into your bedroom, I was ready to for you. You all of a sudden stopped and gave into reason. We couldn’t be together. You had 101 reasons why. All of which I heard and all of which had everything to do with you and nothing to do with me, except for the smoking, you said you would never be with someone who smoked. You fool, I would give up all my bad habits for you. I would give up everything I had for love. I believe in it. I believe in you. I told you I was in love with you and cried and explained everything that I had been carrying around inside me for nearly a year. You had nothing to say, nothing but that you could not listen to this now, you could not listen to what I had to say to you.

Here we are, still friends, and I am still in love with you and still waiting. I am waiting for you to realize that the best relationships are not founded on common sense and reason, those are the building blocks for compromise. Don’t you see? Don’t you see that I would never try to change you? That I love you for all that you are, all that you have been and all you have yet to be? I do not know what will happen with us….that is up to you. I just hope when you are ready, it is not too late for us. All I know is no matter where I go, or what I do in my life, I forever am changed by who you are and what you mean to me. I love you. I love you, I love you. You are beautiful just the way you are. Fate has a way of finding you, even when you don’t expect it.

I love you,
Nicole