February 4, 2003

A,

I don’t know what it is about us. I feel desperate today and I have no idea why. I want to cry and can’t understand that either. I dreamt of you last night and didn’t want to wake up. I feel like it is another “Ok Here we go again”. Only this time it isn’t exactly the same. I am no longer the troubled girl who relies on you for safety and you are no longer the needy boy clinging to me for acceptance. I have no idea how you feel, and why it is always me saying what I feel.

Maybe you are trying to play a game with me. To see how far you can take me before I break. If I really told you what I felt right now would it make a bit of difference? It hasn’t before, but I still want to know. So I am going to tell you again how I feel in words you’ll never read. The first letter was an apology this one is taking it back.

I hate you right now. Not only because you used words to make me believe that we were still friends, but because you lied to me and cheated on her. We aren’t friends anymore because the friend I knew wouldn’t have done that. I tried to think we still could be, but friends don’t sleep with each other then make the other one feel like shit the day after. I expected so much more than what I actually got. Maybe that was me being sappy, but I don’t want to make excuses for you. When I tried to talk to you about what happened, it seemed like you were laughing that I felt bad, like you had a score to settle. Now I guess I know what you felt like all those times I did it to you. It still doesn’t excuse it. I mean, think about how you felt, painful as it may seem, and ask your self what you have to prove by making someone else feel like that. But as you have written, no one can change the past we can only move forward. Also, you and I will never be “WE” ever again.

The chapter is over and the book has been closed. We seem to be holding out hope that one of us will still be around. I read your lyrics and I wonder if you still feel that way about me. But then I realize, that is exactly what they are songs. Do you think of me when you sing them while she looks up at you? Well, I am walking away. I should have the day you left a message on my voicemail after 2 years of not talking. Why feel the need to bother me now? I didn’t mean that much to you while you were dating Bridget. Or did it bother me that we didn’t talk? To tell you the truth I hadn’t even thought of you until that fateful day. We were best friends and I suppressed those feelings and stopped talking to you to get through my own personal crisis.

Then you call and all the feelings I had for you came back in one instance at the sound of your voice. I was excited to see you after 2 yrs. Now I wish I never returned the call. If you wanted to hurt me you have succeeded. What happened to not hurting me anymore and being “Fair”? It isn’t as hard for me to tell you my feelings anymore but apparently it is for you. Why are you so afraid? I know it hurt you before, but you need to understand I am not that person anymore. I can handle things good or bad. If you love me, I would tell you I love you too.

Why make me feel this way then forget all about me? How could you do this to me? Did you just want me to say I love you so you could move on? I am sorry I never told you before and why I figured that it would matter that I said it now makes absolutely no sense to me. I guess I thought because of what we had before, I would still matter and it would make you happy. I was wrong. I haven’t been able to go one day without thinking about you since Christmas. Distance isn’t that big of a deal when you really think about it and what I need to realize is that you’re not the same guy and you’ve changed. I made you this closed hearted person you are. I feel terrible for it. I know you have a girlfriend and I hope you don’t treat her bad because I treated you bad. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be. If I had given you half the chance you deserved, I wouldn’t be here writing this letter to you. But I am not the only one to blame. You write about love and being in love, but do you really know how? I never was able to show you I loved you because I didn’t love myself. You deserved so much better just as I deserve better now

I have changed. I have grown up. Love is a big thing for me. I don’t say it loosely and if I do, I mean it. It isn’t something you say just to sleep with someone. I used to use sex as an excuse for love because I thought it would make my boyfriends happy. All it got me was a drug habit, and a bad case of depression. I should have known you would use me. In the end that was all we did was use each other. So I can’t really be mad about that. I just hoped you would have respected me a little more. I guess I just hoped this time would be different, but I never thought I would get brushed off like I have. I had a lot of hope holding out for us, and now it is all gone. You’ll be the love of some ones life someday; I really do wish it could have been mine. But I have to walk away because we don’t feel the same. I just feel regret, and hate and I don’t need to spiral down again.

F