February 5, 2003

You,

I'm here everyday but cannot truly say that I am cognizant of what is going on in my life. I am not even convinced that I want to know--truth hurts. I wake up everyday to look at myself, looking for a change-- some initial steady declination. I want to be able to have pinpointed the moment when it was all downhill for me. You've ruined me. I was good to you.. before all of this self-destruction, or at least as good as I knew how to be. What will I do with a ransacked body, a wondering soul, and an untrusting heart in this half-life?

I am not the me I used to be, something is wrong. I was never perfect then and am less perfect now. No, I am not expressing in code, you know exactly what every word on this page means. This is not poetry, this is my life. And while it is not over, it is. I'm over. Such cruel and tormenting payback for one existence. I wanted something, but not this. Never this. In physical form I am only one, but not just any body; not just anybody, so why hurt me? Pain is not love, I don't need that kind of love; I love myself in that way already.

I could have been so much more. How cruel of you then to sabotage me. And when you knew what I could have been; what I am supposed to be. It wasn\\\'t enough to deteriorate my insides, but you had to inflict the kind of pain that would show on the outside as well-- the kind that would make others talk. Life, that really hurts. Ignore what you did to me, why don\\\'t you? Hold your head up high when you care more about what the floor has to offer, why don\\\'t you? Take my vitality, my want to exist, my capability for love--you did, didn\\\'t you?

I am truly unstable directly under the surface. But I will pull myself together for the sake of my destiny. And for the sake of my presence. And not so much for God's sake, but because it is God's want--mine too. I will in fact be the me that is concurrent with my destiny. My destiny will envelope me despite. And when I do, I will rule you. Oh, no! I don't want or wish to control you, but merely to conquer the you that has injured me so severly. I will heal you, and you will once again be a crucial part of me. It's not as though you had ever stopped. You may not think so right now, but I promise that I am trying to tell you something. You are the part of me that has been so insecure, so overconfident, so tame, so wild, so reserved, so straightforward, so careless, so careful, so cruel, and yet.. so caring. You've done nothing but hurt me, except for the times that you were helping me. And you've done nothing but disgust me, except for the times when you rejoiced me. And you've done nothing but make me sad, except for the times when you gave me joy. And well, you've done nothing but oppress me..well of course except for that moment when you made me free. I never forgot. And while my intentions may seem indirect or unsubstantial, unclear or intangible; I do nothing but promise that I am trying to tell you that I love you--all of you, and that I never stopped. I promise me (you) that right now as I express; I am Loving you (me).

Yours Truly